i've got this exceedingly bad habit of repeating behavior i know is not going to end up well.

 

For example: i learned along time ago, that when you are this pale, putting on tanning (read: coconut) oil and going outside to bake in the sun is not a good plan. however, despite my best and most rational thoughts otherwise, i seem to find myself repeating the act over and over again--each time with the inane theory that its going to get better somehow this time around..that the universe will align the right way and i will just darken and not turn a really pretty lobster color.

 

Same goes for making snowballs with my bare hands, wearing certain pairs of shoes, and most recently relationships.

 

My mother said our dog gave her a look when she brought my younger sister home from the hospital. The chihuahua (who honestly thought she was a person) waddled up to her, looked up with a disgusted "don't you know what causes this" look, and then walked away.  I think if the dog were still alive, she'd give me the same look for thinking things were going to be different this time and then being so bitterly dissapointed when what i was hoping for seemed to fade away or leaving me more burnt, frozen, or hurt than before.

 

i wish i could say that i never touched the oven when it was on--more than the first time when i was two. but the truth is that i will undoubtedly, at least accidentally, do it again in this lifetime...so for now, lets just hope this time is the last, because i'm over getting burnt.

Disclaimer: i beg the indulgence of everyone with this...perhaps even if this isn't for you, you've known the feeling.

 

So i'm going to write this open letter...i write lots of letters to you. i don't send them and you don't answer them and its a stalemate.

quddus told me though that someone wise once told him that when people dream of another its because their hearts are calling out.

its been over 4 years. i think of you almost daily. good thoughts, mostly. smells trigger it.

about once every six-eight months i dream of you. last time, i dreamt you died. this time, you were alive again.

i dont' know what it means; but you told me not to tell you when i had dreamed of you. so this is me, NOT telling you. our nightmares were the same...yours and mine...sometimes. interestingly, since you went--so did those ones.

 

when i was younger, i thought memories were companions--they filled you up with warm fuzzies inside, made you smile from deep in your soul. now, i'm kinda wishing life really was like that movie...whats it called, something of the eternal sunshine. i wish i could go back and not erase everything, leave the warm fuzzy stuff, delete the stuff that still follows me around like a pesky shadow i can't ever seem to catch when i chase after it to set it free.

 

i wonder how you are. if you are alive. if you have problems sitting on beaches in silence without memories. first i stared east and you west, then you east and me west, i'm pretty sure we've traded sides of the ocean again...i don't know though...the radio silence is total. i find it ironic mostly. you. me. the crisscrossing of the world. the inability to get it right, the inability to be honest.

 

i wish you weren't so angry with me, that the last things we said were kind, that you didn't lie to me. i almost wrote a postsecret card for you once. actually i did write it. it sat in the office for weeks. i couldn't bear to mail it. its my darkest secret and i am going to go ahead and confess it here since you won't read this anyways and anyone who does would have the common sense to leave it alone. the secret said, "i would have stayed forever, if only you could have stopped lying to me". for what its worth...what i said in september stands. i'm sorry. and i'm still trying to forgive you. and i do still love you.

 

There's this song by Don Henley, its been remixed. you would like the remix...i like the lyrics:

 

 

“We protest in the strongest terms the arrests of our fellow Bahá'ís in Iran,” said Bani Dugal, the principal representative of the Bahá’í International Community to the United Nations. “Their only crime is their practice of the Bahá’í Faith.” "Especially disturbing is how this latest sweep recalls the wholesale arrest or abduction of the members of two national Iranian Bahá’í governing councils in the early 1980s -- which led to the disappearance or execution of 17 individuals,” she said. “The early morning raids on the homes of these prominent Bahá’ís were well coordinated, and it is clear they represent a high-level effort to strike again at the Bahá’ís and to intimidate the Iranian Bahá’í community at large,” said Ms. Dugal.

Arrested yesterday were: Mrs. Fariba Kamalabadi, Mr. Jamaloddin Khanjani, Mr. Afif Naeimi, Mr. Saeid Rezaie, Mr. Behrouz Tavakkoli, and Mr. Vahid Tizfahm. All live in Tehran. Mrs. Kamalabadi, Mr. Khanjani, and Mr. Tavakkoli have been previously arrested and then released after periods ranging from five days to four months. Arrested in Mashhad on 5 March 2008 was Mrs. Mahvash Sabet, who also resides in Tehran. Mrs. Sabet was summoned to Mashhad by the Ministry of Intelligence, ostensibly on the grounds that she was required to answer questions related to the burial of an individual in the Bahá’í cemetery in that city.

On 21 August 1980, all nine members of the National Spiritual Assembly of the Bahá’ís of Iran were abducted and disappeared without a trace. It is certain that they were killed. The National Spiritual Assembly of the Bahá’ís of Iran was reconstituted soon after that but was again ravaged by the execution of eight of its members on 27 December 1981.

A number of members of local Bahá’í governing councils, known as local Spiritual Assemblies, were also arrested and executed in the early 1980s, before an international outcry forced the government to slow its execution of Bahá’ís. Since 1979, more than 200 Bahá’ís have been killed or executed in Iran, although none have been executed since 1998.

In 1983, the government outlawed all formal Bahá’í administrative institutions and the Iranian Bahá’í community responded by disbanding its National Spiritual Assembly, which is an elected governing council, along with some 400 local level elected governing councils. Bahá'ís throughout Iran also suspended nearly all of their regular organizational activity.

The informal national-level coordinating group, known as the Friends, was established with the knowledge of the government to help cope with the diverse needs of Iran’s 300,000-member Baháí community, which is the country’s largest religious minority.

**There are photos on the website if you click the link at the top**

 

First, the dull, update kinda stuff....School you ask? oh yeah, Its pretty anti-climactic. Classes end and then there is this five day lull---for which i am exceedingly grateful--when you are supposed to study. Luckily (and this may be the only time i ever say this) its raining and cold. It makes sitting at this little cubicle much much easier. Cookies, coffee, and outlines. Ready, set, go. Although i turned in a final paper for one class, the real doosies start in earnest on Wed...hence the library camping, contemplating whether sleeping under this cubicle would be a good idea, and repeatitvely typing rules over and over (yes i know that was redundant, eheh, repetitive) again to try to learn them. I never was very good at memorization and the more kinestetic methods (i'm picturing weird interpretive dance and quirky songs set to Barney themes here) aren't going to be helpful when i have to sit still and quiet during an exam. Needless to say, it makes me feel pretty OCD typing the same two sentances (albeit paragraphs) over and over. ...where oh where are all the memorization techniques from Ruhi book one when i need them!!

 

On to the good stuff. Last night some of the young adults in the community hosted what i really think was the best Ridvan celebration i have ever been to. A friend opened her restaurant and it was packed full of the community and their friends. A local Baha'i hip hop group, Common Market, performed a great set; Bradford gave an eloquent introductory speech (and it was short too!!) about the meaning of Ridvan; and Saba spun for a couple hours while everyone danced. I've long thought that we should really joyously be celebrating this MOST holy festival. So, my poor little, law-school beaten, soul was immeasurably honored and happy to be there with such a great group. And--icing on the cake--Jody (my canadian twin, since our lives and struggles run parallel most of the time) did a border run to come celebrate for the night. I swear my heart just breathes better when i get a moment with her.

 

so yeah, back to the grind, and learning how to get you out of contracts you mistakenly got into.

In the end, its all about good faith...