a response to q's dream:

 

i sent an email to the desert--the one full of guns--yesterday. the subject was "waiving white flags". it was short---i thought i had forgotten/missed his birthday (its next month, but he didn't seem mad i no longer had the date inscribed in my being) and i needed to know he was alive--i have developed a compulsive habit of reading the list of the dead on the dept. of defense website. not that i told him that, but i'm sure he knows.

he comes in dreams sometimes--not so often now a days. when it happens he's frequently pissed off at me for leaving. it's ironic. in one dream we were living in the same house, circling each other with eyes that spoke volumes, but he wouldn't speak to me...the anger and hurt were palatable. I awoke sobbing, my chest heaving as though the wind had been knocked out of me and that GIANT empty void that finds its way to the pit of your soul had opened wide up again. i think these kinds of dreams are why i hate sleeping so much---the feeling of being more exhausted after than before because of something you conjured up.

 

i was trying to tell a friend yesterday that letting go has to do with forgiveness (it sounded good at the time). strangely, when i think i've accomplished that (the forgiveness thing, not the good advice thing) i have a dream (about anyone--not just the above) that shows me that the person i forgot to forgive was me. i'm great at being angry and digging my heels in about it--but i'm over doing things i'm great at. I would rather stick to those that need work--like forgiving--its more rewarding somehow.

 

general update:

along the lines of things i am not great at: classes started again yesterday. my immigration class looks to be REALLY awesome and for the first time in a long time i am excited about going to class. Third of the way done :)